I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
