I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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