the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
