here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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