did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just want nice things and good sex
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
