Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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