Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
