Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
