My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
