just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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