don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
