new low.... made out with someone while peeing
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
