whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
