Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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