from now on my penis is your penis
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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