i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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