Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
