He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
