I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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