I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
