woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
