When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
