I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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