You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
