Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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