matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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