he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
