"it" just moved
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
