I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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