Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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