Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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