i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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