1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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