When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Text me some of your sweat
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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