I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
