I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize