Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
