I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
