No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
