You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
