I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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