My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
