The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
