I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Houston, we have a blender
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
