I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
