despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
