just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
one two three fourrrrnication!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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