I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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