im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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