somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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