Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
