just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
