Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize