Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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