Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
being pregnant is like rehab
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
