i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You took a bar mat shot.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
