im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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