Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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