Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
